In 2008 I had a spontaneous awakening experience that brought me face to face with my true self – myself as divine consciousness. At that time I had no frame of reference for this experience and I didn’t know how to integrate it into my life. I had known for a long time that I was a spiritual being having a human experience but that intellectual understanding had not prepared me for this experience. I was aware of my body and my senses and simultaneously I was beyond the body and mind; I was the completely clear and neutral witness. I felt a oneness with all of life and great love, joy, compassion and understanding flowed through me effortlessly as though I suddenly became unburdened. I carried on continuing to do my healing work and teaching energy work but I was forever changed by this experience and the knowing that resonated so deeply within me. I so badly wanted to share this profound change that I had undergone but I didn’t have the words or understanding to even begin to share it with others.
It wasn’t until 2015 when I met one of my teachers, Mooji, that my experience was confirmed. Not only did my awakening experience make sense but it seemed that my whole life and everything I had been through was leading me to awaken to this truth. All the seemingly unrelated puzzle pieces of my life seemed to drop into place for the first time. Many of the feelings and mind states that I had that had kept me unsettled were what kept me motivated to keep seeking until I found what I was looking for. I had no idea what it was but when Mooji pointed me beyond my physical body and mind into my formless and wordless essence every cell in my body said, “yes!” We are not just physical beings we are undeniably spiritual beings here to remember who we are and Mooji was speaking of it so clearly. We live asleep to the truth and don’t know our own essence but now I was remembering.
This confirmation and understanding brought me to my knees in gratitude when I realized what was happening. It also brought a smile to my face and a lightness of being that I had never known before. I truly thought to myself, “this is the biggest cosmic joke of all time that I am here to discover and know my true self/true nature.” I considered this to be one of the great mysteries of life and I didn’t feel worthy but at the same time I recognized it was happening despite what I thought.
My journey of self discovery has been like a remembering and waking from the dream of my false self. It cannot be taught because we are all already that regardless of whether we know this consciously or not. That is why the word discovery is used because it is always there available any time you are ready.
Unlike many teachers of non-duality or Advaita who have had spontaneous awakenings my awakening has been a gradual discovery. It has been a recognition that I am not my mind and false messages that my ego self would have me believe. It cannot be taught because we are all already that regardless of whether we know this consciously or not. I am able to see everything coming and going as well as all sensations, feelings and thoughts. I am aware of it all internally and externally. This doesn’t mean I am detached from life experience but it does give me space, great clarity and healthy detachment. Still sometimes powerful feelings and emotions have to move through me but I am less identified with these states and as a result I spend less and less time suffering them.
I never thought I would be able to find peace,contentment and joy because I had a strong ego that was like an inner abusive task master and crazy person constantly spewing negativity. I am happy to say it has faded dramatically and when it does come with its negative messages I know that this is not who I am and it is temporary. I stay more centered in my own being and the storms always move through leaving me clear and more open to life.
I am hoping that this part of my story is inspiring or confirming in some way and if it is please explore these pages more deeply or reach out to me. I wish you grace in your discovery.