I had hung up the phone with a new client who was coming to see me for a Reiki session and I began to feel burning on my thighs. I thought maybe I ate something that was causing me a reaction. I decided to wait it out and see how I felt in the morning.
The next day I woke up and still had symptoms but they were definitely reduced. To my astonishment when my client came to see me later that day the first thing she shared was that she was healing from a skin graft that was on her thighs. This was definitely an “aha” moment and one of many that I would experience.
I knew that the feelings I had in my body were not always mine. I didn’t know what to do about it but it was huge help to have such clear confirmation of what had happened. I was picking up energy and physical symptoms from people and places around me and no one could tell me differently.
I am what is called a highly sensitive empath. Empaths absorb energy and process it and then release it. When this happens I can become unexpectedly impacted and feel sudden mysterious physical symptoms. This would often be the alert that something had happened.
Then as miraculously as they started they would disappear leaving me confused and searching for an answer.
I had known this about myself for a long time but all my time in psychotherapy trying to figure this out never provided answers for me. How could it? It was an unexplained phenomena that I had experienced countless times throughout my life.
I had no place to turn and I learned quickly not to share my experiences even with my friends and family. I felt alone, unhappy, different and certainly like I didn’t fit in.
Since it seemed like there was no one to help me it was up to me to search for a solution. I felt like I had to do everything I could to figure this out because I couldn’t imagine going on this way. I continued my healing journey through psychotherapy and spirituality. I was determined.
My search lasted many years and during that time I studied and took many classes. Energy work, Reiki, Imago couples counseling, allergy elimination techniques, Somatic Experiencing trauma therapy, Transcendental Meditation, yoga I studied them all. I travelled all over the world to learn from healers, yogis, gurus, doctors, acupuncturists, homeopathists and spiritual teachers. Each and every course, teacher and therapist had a powerful impact on me and taught me something valuable. Each time I thought I had found my answer but eventually I found myself continuing to feel frustrated and unfulfilled.
I feared that I was stuck and would never find a true end to my suffering but something compelled me to keep going it was like a force moving me along. Despite all the difficulties of being on a unique path I still had a strong trust that everything was unfolding for my highest good but I certainly could not imagine what that was.
Sign post to awakening
During this same period of intense seeking I had what I now know was an awakening experience.
I woke up in the middle of the night unable to sleep I got a clear message that emanated from deep within me. For a long time I had the mental understanding that I was a spiritual being having a human experience and for the first time I intuitively knew I was experiencing it! Words can be inadequate but for lack of a better way of expressing it I felt that the perfect and imperfect aspects of myself co-existed side by side within me. To clarify, my perfect spiritual essence and my imperfect personal self . I also knew that all that was needed was for me to turn my attention towards my perfect spiritual essence – my divine self. From an energetic standpoint this made perfect sense to me that wherever I focus my attention is what will grow.
This experience lasted about a week and in that time I felt and inexplicable unity with life I was joyful and at peace. I definitely wanted more but wasn’t at all sure of how to move forward. Should I continue to strive to be a better person? Should I just abandon all self improvement and focus on my divine self?
I was once again confused and alone with this awareness. I so badly wanted to share it with someone, anyone, but when I did it fell flat. I just didn’t have the words nor the experience to explain what had happened.
Drained and Out of gas
Continuing along on my path eventually I began to realize that perhaps I would not find my answer this way. I was exhausted, drained and out of gas.
By this time I had a private practice doing energy healing and teaching but out of the blue I would experience unexpected symptoms. It was unmanageable and undiagnosable and I would go to doctors and since my bloodwork was perfect nothing could be done for me. We would have to “observe the situation” and see how it progressed.
I started to understand and put it together for myself. I could become overloaded with energy and sometimes I was conscious of it and other times I wasn’t. I would go to healers and intuitives who all echoed similar ways of clearing and releasing but none of it worked for me. I feared that something was truly wrong with me why did these ways of releasing or protecting work for everyone else and not me?
It kept happening no matter what I tried. I knew then that something definitely had to to change. I decided it was time to make some drastic changes and realized that I had to step away from my practice of 20 years until what? I didn’t know.
I never had a period of time where I wasn’t working, learning or healing something. The minute I unplugged from my role as healer I began to feel lighter physically and emotionally. I was totally uncertain about my future but this is what I was called to do.
I felt like life had finally brought me to my knees. I surrendered. I had to accept my sensitivities and I was finally willing to let myself be. It no longer mattered if people did not understand me. Intuitively I knew what I had to do. For the first time in my life I was open and truly receptive and in completely new territory. To my amazement things in my life flowed better and became easier and lighter.
The Truth is Within
During this hiatus from working with clients I started listening to teachers that explained the path of self realization and awakening and confirmed what I had been intuitively guided to all those years ago. That we are more than just physical bodies we are truly spiritual beings having a human experience and we are already whole and perfect. I knew it was true!!
Suddenly my life made sense and the puzzle pieces started dropping in. All of my life working to figure myself out only to be taken full circle back to myself. How amazingly simple and elegant. To remember my discovery all those years ago and to have it confirmed. I wasn’t crazy after all! The ultimate truth, my divine essence lies within me and when I focus my attention there it expands and grows.
Biggest Cosmic Joke
One of my teachers would often say that the discovery of this truth, who we really are beyond just the human form, is the highest path. I had to laugh when I heard this because who would have ever thought that this would be my path! I thought “this has to be the biggest cosmic joke of all time” that I am here for the ultimate discovery and awakening! To me always feeling like the odd one out and to find that all the while life was delivering me home to my true source. There are truly no words for the gratitude I feel.
The beautiful thing is It is here for each one of us and it is beyond any healing, technique or therapy. This is where I found all the freedom, peace, joy and contentment that I could ever want and now all I want to do is help others find it too!
I know that there are no mistakes and so much has fallen into place. I am deeply grateful to every teacher, challenge and problem that I’ve faced because without them I would not be here.
Oh, I am still a highly sensitive empath but the suffering about this has ended. I am free from the stress and concern and I accept this is part of my gift and I take care of myself accordingly.
Are you done yet?
Maybe you have reached this point of surrender in your life? Maybe you are a spiritual seeker and don’t know what’s next? Have you exhausted yourself trying to figure it all out? Do you feel different and alone?
I trust that if you have found your way to this page and have read this far, my story must be speaking to you.
All I want to do now is to help you and others on the path of self discovery. This is my passion!!
Please feel free to reach out to me.
Now is the time…
During this time I am working via Zoom and FaceTime. Working this way has proven to be just as effective as working in person.